Band score: approximately 6.0
The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
International air travel has a negative impact upon the environment and should therefore be restricted.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
It is reasonable to argue that flying by plane ‘aeroplane/airplane’ – ‘plane’ is an abbreviation has negatively affected the air quality. Despite this, the minimizing of plane services is not possible it is possible – better would be ‘advisable’ and there are many reasons to justify this point of view.Primary of all ‘Primarily’, people have enjoyed the convenience of flying by plane which includes flexible itinries ‘itineraries’, a variety of destinations, time saving and to some ‘for some people,’ cheap tickets. Thus, it is out of the question [this is too strong – ‘unlikely’ would suit better[/expand] for many that people would consider other eco-friendly alternatives. In addition, for many flying by plane is the only solution to travel for Separate these two into separate sentences – ‘…travel. For…’ or ‘…travel; for…’ example, many immigrants travel overseas to visit their families each year.
Also, one reason that makes it hard ‘challenging’ would be more academic to limit the number of airplane flights is that individuals have made their choice when they choose flying instead of other travelling viable alternatives such as trains. Although it has scientifically been proved ‘proven’ that aeroplanes are the most significant polluters because of the release of carbon dioxide in the atmosfere ‘atmosphere’ and the negitive ‘negative’ effect it has on the ozone layer, people starting from presidents ‘a wide range of people’ would be clearer use the delete ‘the’ air travel mercilessly ‘frequently’. To illustrate the statement that follows does not illustrate the point about a wide range of people using air travel, travelling by plane domestically should be reduced whenever possible.
Admittedly, it ‘there’ is a point to be made in support of opinion ‘the opinion’ that air travelling ‘air travel’ or ‘travelling by air’ should be restricted by raising the prices of tickets because this would encourage people to travel less; however, this would exempt just ‘only reduce’ certain segments of society from travelling by plane.
In brief, there are serious problems connected with air travelling such as release ‘the release’ of carbon dioxide and the damage of ozone ‘to the ozone’ layer. In the meantime, there are many commodities ‘this isn’t clear – what commodities?’ offered by airplane services to individuals, therefore chances to limit the use of planes are rare now and are likely to continue to be rare change this to ‘continue to be so’ to avoid repetition in the future.
The main problem here is that the writer’s organisation is not clear. It seems that there is no clear point of view apart from the introduction, and the topics of the paragraphs are not addressing of whether air travel should be restricted but whether it can be restricted.
There are some good examples of vocabulary and grammar, but also some instances where the spelling is incorrect or language used is not sufficiently formal for a Task II essay (‘use the air travel mercilessly’ for example).
The introduction, however, is good.