Band score: approximately 5.0
The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, people who commit less serious crimes are made to undertake community service* instead of a prison sentence. Some people believe that all people who have committed a crime should be sent to prison.
Do you agree or disagree?
*compulsory work helping the community, such as decorating public facilities, which they must carry out in their spare time for a given period.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Many countries around the world have conventions for the [delete this – you are referring in general to people who have committed minor crimes] people who have committed miner [‘minor’] crimes to be sent involving [this is unclear – it could say ‘directed to do’] community services such as working in the [delete this] community houses, neighbourhood houses, cleaning and take [‘or taking’] care of public parks. This is a positive way of dealing with the miner [‘minor’] criminals in order to push them in right [‘the right’] direction. When people commit certain cremes [‘crimes’], it's [don’t abbreviate in IELTS – write the full words (it is)] not a wise decision for them to give prison sentence [‘a prison sentence’] due to many negative reasons [the reasons are not negative – this could be ‘effects’ or ‘consequences’]. Even though some people do believe that these individuals should be in the [delete this] prison, it's [don’t abbreviate in IELTS – write the full words (it is)] not possible to agree with them [this is too strong – it is possible. Change the sentence to ‘there is a strong argument against this’].The truth [this is not a formal phrase for IELTS – better to say that ‘It is commonly accepted that’] is inside the prison premises people [‘inmates’] can be mixing with each other for different reasons. As a scenario [this needs to be followed by a comma] even though a person do not [‘does not’ is grammatically correct, but ‘may not’ would be better] feel to be in a part of a certain group, due to the power, ability, physical, and other factors he has to alliance [ally] with the [delete this] others in order to survive within the prison system. Therefore miner [‘minor’] crime victims [they aren’t crime victims, they are criminals] may start companionship with the major and high criminal profiles and it can lead to make situations bad to worst. [this is too long and unclear – the writer needs to get to the point quicker and in a simpler manner] They may persuade and [‘be persuaded to’] learn advance [‘more signficant’] crimes or may connect with the unwanted [change to ‘undesirable’] people in side [‘inside’ (one word)] the prison or through them out side [‘outside’ (one word)] as well. Moreover [this needs to be followed by a comma] within the prison system the ability [this word is normally used for a positive attribute – better would be ‘potential’] to loos [‘loose’] self esteem and self worth can be greater then [‘than’] his own community. Thus [‘Although’] there could be some issues and comments from the society, still it’s a grate [this should be spelled ‘great’, but would still be too informal for Task II] opportunity to remain in the society [this is repetition] and do social work with their own time.
The main problem here is paragraphing. The introduction is too long, accounting for nearly 100 words, followed by a single paragraph. There needs to be at least two body paragraphs (preferably 3) and a conclusion, all clearly differentiated from each other.
There is also a lot of repetition in your work – minor crimes, for example appears multiple times in the essay.
The final sentences suggests that the writer was about to prepare a concession paragraph (‘still’) but this isn’t clearly given.
The essay does not balance the arguments with considering either the victims’ point of view or how the local community can benefit from the work the criminals are required to do under community service.