Band score: approximately 6.0
The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, people who commit less serious crimes are made to undertake community service* instead of a prison sentence. Some people believe that all people who have committed a crime should be sent to prison.
Do you agree or disagree?
*compulsory work helping the community, such as decorating public facilities, which they must carry out in their spare time for a given period.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
There is a significant difference between all sorts of crimes; as a consequent ‘consequence’, there should be a variety ‘variation’ in punishment system ‘options’ – they are not really systems.
Firstly although this is not wrong, it would be more academic to use words like ‘Primarily’, there are various the root word (variety/variation) has already been used in the introduction – show a range of vocabulary with something like ‘a number of’ reasons behind committing a crime; furthermore what follows is clarification of the same idea, so ‘to illustrate’ suits better, we have to avoid ‘we’ – ‘it is important to’ distinguish between a criminal killer change this to ‘a murderer’ and poor ‘a poor’ man who stole in order to survive. That is, temptations which urge a person to do something illegal are numerous; therefore, criminals should be treated according to their specific cases. Secondly not wrong, but would be better as ‘In addition’, those who have committed less serious crimes should not be mixed with those who did less ‘more’ serious crimes. Simply because delete these words the reason is that this mixture can lead to other worst ‘worse’ problems which should be avoided. For instance, those who caused less serious problems have the potential to be ‘become’ skilled criminals if they are put in prison together with others, as they will have the opportunity to criminal ‘acquire criminal’ skills. Thirdly not wrong, but would be better as ‘Another point to consider is that’, it is a good idea to take benefit from this kind of people by involving them in community ‘the community’ in order to undertake some services. This can be regarded as part of punishment ‘their punishment’ and is far better than sending them directly to prison as the society they are in can benefit from work they perform during their sentence.To sum up, People no need for a capital ‘P’ have different reasons why they commit a crime; also there are ranks of crimes. In addition this needs to be followed by a comma undertaking community service as an example of punishment for less serious criminals is a very good step which must be taken seriously. Furthermore, it’s cruel this isn’t academic – ‘unjust’ that all people who have committed differing crimes are punished equally by putting them in prison.
(259 words)
Comments:
The essay uses simple linking words (first, second third), rather than the more academic options of ‘Primarily’ and ‘In addition’.
The writer has touched on some ideas, but they are not fully developed. For example, in the first body paragraph, the writer states that there are different motives for criminal actions but then doesn’t relate this to community service, only that criminals should be treated according to their actions. Paragraphs need to specifically tie in with the question.
A Task II conclusion should be the writer’s final statement on the matter, not simply a restatement of earlier points – there should be a recommendation or a speculation.
However, the writer does use some good vocabulary and some accurate grammar, although a higher score would be awarded for more academic structures such as relative clauses (sentences that add extra information with who, that or which).