Band score: approximately 6.0
The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Education is very important. How can children who are disinterested in study be motivated to learn?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Living in the competitive world, better education always this is too strong – it’s not always comes with ‘leads to a’ higher living standard ‘standard of living’ is the most common construction. How to improve ‘Improving’ – how to improve is more of a question form the education in children, especially the one ones who does ‘do’ not like studying, is a problem for education ‘the education’ industry in every country this is too strong – it’s not every country, but could be ‘most countries’.
When the ‘a’ child is too young to understand the importance of studying, it is really hard this is too informal – ‘particularly difficult’ to have the motivation. At the ‘an’ early stage, in junior primary school for example, a little discipline is necessary. Though studing ‘studying’ like reading and counting maybe not as interesting as watching cartoons, spending some time on these boring this is not academic – ‘less interesting’ subjects should be compulsory. These measures will give them the ability to enjoy learning activities in coming future ‘in the future’, when they will be ‘are likely to be’ more confident to explore the unknown area ‘unknown areas’.
However, to increase the confidence it is not clear yet why the paragraph is referring to confidence rather than motivation and interest in studying, the most important ‘important factor’ is encouragement, especially in senior primary school and secondary school, when the children need to expand their knowledge dramatically. Most of the student ‘students’ are disinterested in learning because of lack of confident ‘a lack of confidence’. If an encourage ‘encouraging’ enviroment is provided, they will ‘may’ – will is too strong have fun ‘be more entertained’ would be more formal in studying and enjoy the feeling of achievement, hence will be motivated to learn more. In consequence, a better education level can be expected.
Moreover, academy ‘academic study’ does not necessary necessarily have to be boring, it can be fun. For young children, knowledge can be tought in ‘taught using’ cartoons. The Blue Cat series is a successful sample ‘example’ in China, which putting ‘which’ here means that what follows refers to China, not the Black Cat serial is a ‘an’ educational program enjoyed by many children in China. In order to get better result in ‘results from’ children, knowledge can be delivered via children’s favourite cartoon characters. For the teenager, the idols in the entertainment industry play a big role [this could have been combined with the following sentence with ‘and as such’[/expand]. They should be encouraged to send the correct messages to their fans.
In conclusion, compulsory education is necessary at an early stage of studying, while encourage ‘providing an encouraging’ enviroment ‘environment’ and teaching in more entertaining ways are extremely important.
(310 words)
Comments:
At 310 words, this is longer than the ideal range of 260 – 280 words. Although this is not directly a problem, it does give the examiner more chances of finding errors or penalising you for not being sufficiently concise.
There is a mix of different levels of vocabulary where a more formal vocabulary should be used throughout (avoid words like ‘boring’).
An example is provided to demonstrate the point in the third paragraph (the Blue Cat series) but the writer has not given other examples for the first two paragraphs, and the topic sentence, development and support are not always clear.
The essay often uses dogmatic statements that are not always true and would be better modified slightly (‘every county’ > ‘most countries’)
However, the essay is relevant to the topic and the use of linking words is generally accurate and varied.