The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
In some countries, people who commit less serious crimes are made to undertake community service* instead of a prison sentence. Some people believe that all people who have committed a crime should be sent to prison.
Do you agree or disagree?
*compulsory work helping the community, such as decorating public facilities, which they must carry out in their spare time for a given period.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Many individuals think that the best way to punish those who get engaged in ‘engage in’ any kind of crime should be to sent ‘send’ them to jail ‘prison’ – prison and jail have a different purpose. I totally disagree try to avoid using personal pronouns – this could be ‘However, there is a far stronger argument to be made against this’ and the following essay will explain why.
Unless murder is concerned ‘the crime involves murder’] or equally heinous acts, people who commit more minor crimes should be given another chance to correct their behaviour. Isolating a person in the jail ‘prison’ seems to solve the problem but to ‘for’ some there are better solutions to make criminals think critically about their actions, such as assigning them to complete community hours ‘assigning community hours for them to complete’.
Another point to be considered before sending a person to prison, specificially teenagers, is to evaluate the level of crime. There are a considerable number of delinquents that get engaged ‘become involved’ in anti-social behaviour; for example this needs to be followed by a comma fighting and shoplifting amongst youngsters is something common to be seen ‘has become common’. However, bringing these people to prison most likely would not benefit to delete this improve their behaviour but change this to ‘as much as the’ inclusion of youth counselors would ‘which could’ be considered a great deal of help.
Admittedly, a point that could be made in support of the opinion that criminals should be sent to prison is that these people needs to be followed by a comma while suffering the ‘serving their’ sentence in jail delete this and being deprived from many privileges would better think to ‘think better of’ commit ‘committing’ a crime for a second time; however, the life experiences has shown ‘the statistics show’ that a person causes crime again ‘many criminals reoffend’ and ends up in jail ‘is returned to prison’ more than once.
To conclude, it is better for people who commit crimes such as theft or similar to be addressed ‘required’ to work in the community during their free time. By doing so the individuals work would serve a good purpose and the government would have to spend less on jails ‘imprisoning those who break the law’.
(274 words)
Comments:
There are some clear strengths to this essay – the writer directly answers the question, the paragraphing is clear and the final body paragraph (the concession paragraph) is well argued.
However, there are a few issues with the choice and range of vocabulary (e.g. ‘Jail’ where ‘prison’ would have been more appropriate).
There are also a few errors in grammar (‘should be to sent them..’). There are also some sections where the writing could have been more academic (‘ended up in jail’).