Narration:
Now we will look at the other paragraph you saw at the beginning of this lesson, identifying the areas that make it superior. The first point to note is that the candidate has used a passive voice construction with ‘can be ascribed’. This will improve the result of the essay as it demonstrates a good grammatical range. In addition, the paragraph uses complex sentences, such as ‘which offers financial freedom to some.’. You can learn more about this type of construction in the lesson entitled ‘Complex sentences’. The third point which makes this paragraph more academic is that it uses good linking words like ‘admittedly’. The final positive aspect of this paragraph is the amount of academic vocabulary which is used. Using the following words and phrases accurately will help you get a good result: ascribed, a number of factors, a position of employment, could be considered short sighted and potential.